How Do I Feel?

The other day, I was sorting through the school papers my mom had saved from my elementary school days. Knowing what I now know about Asperger's syndrome, I was amazed to see how plainly Aspie traits showed through in the journal entries I wrote when I was just 6 years old. If you'd like to look over my shoulder at the essays I wrote in answer to my writing assignments, you'll see that I was slowly learning how to describe my own feelings in various situations.

• March 1990
  I remember when I couldn't tie a bow. I could tie a knot, but I couldn't tie a bow. I learned When I was 3, but I forgot. Then I learned again, when I was 5 or 6. My mother taught me. She punched holes in cards and put yarn through. Then She tied it in a bow and showed that way. Then I did it. I don't remember how I felt when I leared to tie a bow. To me sometimes learning is exciting and sometimes it isn't.
• April 1990
  One time I shared something with my grandfather. I don't know what is was, but can explain it. It was something like a candybar with icecream inside. My grandmother cut it and we each had half. I'm not sure but I think my grandfather and I were happy. Peaple have shared jumpropes with me lots of times. I hope you've shared something with someone. Did you? Good!
• May 1990
  The parts I liked about the Walkathon were the water fight, the ice cubes, and the wet wash cloths. What I didn't like about it was it was a long way and my feet were hot and tired. When I got to the end, I was inbetween happy and exited and exuasted. How did you feel? What did you like and not like?
• June 1990I've won games before. I've won Dutch Blitz before. I'm happy when I win! Before we play I feel a little nervous. I like winning! Do you? I do!

The above entries were written in response to prompts in my spelling book, and apparently the question, "How did you feel?" was repeated in these prompts. Please notice that I had to practice answering this question before I realized that "how I felt" might be something worth paying attention to.

I still struggle with remembering that other people don't automatically know how I feel, even after I explain the events that make me feel the way I do. And I'm still not sure why it's supposed to "help" if I tell people how I feel. What does that DO exactly? I wonder . . .

"TO APPOINT UNTO THEM THAT MOURN IN ZION, TO GIVE UNTO THEM BEAUTY FOR ASHES, THE OIL OF JOY FOR MOURNING, THE GARMENT OF PRAISE FOR THE SPIRIT OF HEAVINESS; THAT THEY MIGHT BE CALLED TREES OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, THE PLANTING OF THE LORD, THAT HE MIGHT BE GLORIFIED."

No Borrowing Without Asking

I've written up some embarrassing Asperger's moments earlier in this blog, but they were from my childhood. I think now's the time to include anecdotes from my college days.

During my first semester in college, I commuted from home, which was hard because I have low stamina and get fatigued quickly. When it came to staying after class time for concerts or play rehearsals, I was aching for a place to rest. I tried to make do by finding a welcome among the ladies who were dorm residents.

One day, the dean of women issued a notice to the commuting students. The letter requested that we not help ourselves to the dorm rooms, citing an instance where a student came back from class and found a commuter student napping in her bed. Put like that, it sounded crazy . . . till I realized I was the student who had borrowed the bed. I did personally know the student whose bed I took a rest in, but my mistake had been in taking another dorm girl's word for it that "she won't mind if you take a nap in her bed." Apparently, she did mind, because after I woke up, thanked her for the use of the bed, and went about my business, she must have reported the incident. Mine was an honest Aspie mistake. Once I knew what the rules were, even though it made it harder on me - still having nowhere to lay my head - I napped in a library chair with a jacket for a pillow from then on.

Another friend of mine handled a similar situation differently. She and I wore the same size clothes, and after lending me an outfit one day, she told me, "Sharon Rose, you can borrow clothes from me any time - whenever you need an outfit to change into and you don't have time to run back home, okay?" I thanked her and tucked that offer away, ready to draw on it at a moment's notice. The moment came a few weeks later, when I decided to stay past suppertime to attend a concert that I had just found out about that day. I knocked on the door of the dormitory, was let in, and although my friend was not there, I helped myself to a dress in her wardrobe. When she came in to the concert and sat next to me, I gave her a happy grin, and said, "Does this dress look familiar? I borrowed it from you, just like you said I could. It's so nice of you to lend it to me!"

She nodded, but the next day, she took me aside privately, and said, "Sharon Rose, I actually felt uncomfortable when you borrowed my dress yesterday, because I didn't even know you were going to wear it. I'd like to lend you clothes, but I just would like you to ask specifically each time."

I apologized and let her know that I had misunderstood and wouldn't do that again - which I didn't. We maintained our friendship over the next three years and grew very close. Meanwhile, the girl whose bed I borrowed, who had reported my mistake, is forgotten and unknown to me at this time. These are examples of how an Aspie either can be gently corrected in a friendly way or can become indignant that her motives are misinterpreted.

I can easily understand now how my actions could have been attributed to my being self-absorbed or self-indulgent. Maybe I was. But I didn't mean to be, and I loved it that the friend whose dress I borrowed gave me a second chance.

You see, I knew the rule, "No borrowing without asking," but according to my literal mind, I had asked in both cases. My first semester in college was when I learned the hard way that I actually had to ask the right person at the right time.

"TAKE HEED TO YOURSELVES: IF THY BROTHER TRESPASS AGAINST THEE, REBUKE HIM; AND IF HE REPENT, FORGIVE HIM."