Flush Up Against

I turned my mom's SUV into her driveway, pulling it close to the Floridian plant just ahead in the front yard. 

"Ooh, not quite so close," she said, from the passenger seat.

"I was taught to pull it up close," I said, remembering how Papa had specifically coached me in how close to get that vehicle to that plant, leaving plenty of space behind for another medium-large vehicle to pull in and not cover any of the sidewalk.

Mama huffed and said, "And you took that advice from a man who was so intent on getting 'flush up against' a woman's garage that he broke a hole in her brick wall."

"Mama, that was decades ago," I remarked.

"You remember it happening?" she said.

"No, I remember the STORY."

Papa could tell stories about his most embarrassing moments with flair. Mama preferred telling bicultural jokes. But that was back decades ago, too, I guess, considering that I am now 38 . . . a long time ago. 

We lived in Japan back then, when Papa's famous culture shock stories involved him taking a package to mail into a BANK, assuming that it was the post office - which of course, it was not. And he would describe how the people behind the counter murmuring back and forth, glancing at him until one gentleman was apparently chosen to bear the bad news. Nowadays, I think they might have had someone who could speak English in there, but this guy simply placed his hands on the counter and said, "Kore wa ginko~ desu."

Ooh . . . my dad had recently studied the topic of places in town, and now he realized that he actually had studied: "Ginko~ means bank." And I don't know whether he also knew the word for post office, but it happens to be you~binkyoku, which sounds nothing like ginko~. 

Yeah, embarrassing stories were in Papa's line, as long as he was the one being embarrassed. And the "flush up against" thing really did happen.

He sort of got past that, but just the other day, he was very kindly driving me to the eye doctor, because you know, you can't go to the eye doctor alone, or so they say. If your eyes have a problem, you shouldn't be driving, right? So we get up there, and he LOVES dropping people off at the door - if there's any possibility of that. And so he drives up, and there's a fence right beside my door, so I cannot open my door more than 3 inches or so, and right in front of us is a car. And we're thinking, okay, somebody's going to come out and hop in her car, and she'll drive forward, and we'll pull up.

And so she just stayed there. And we stayed and sat and waited, and Papa's starting to fidget and get irritated - which takes him a while, because he is quite patient - but 10 minutes of sitting there - me not being able to get out, him not being able to pull around OR back up, because there's somebody else behind him by this time . . . . He scoots even closer to this woman's car and then hops out and goes to her window and starts acting irritated with her of course. I wished he would have approached when he was, you know, feeling more patient, but we all have our moments of weakness, you might say.

Anyway, she gets out and is quite angry with him, because she says, "How can I pull forward when you're riding on my bumper? You've got paint from your car ON my bumper, and how can I pull forward?"

I'm not sure what that had to do with anything, um . . . but she was pretty convinced that for someone to tap her bumper meant she was stuck there? I don't know.

Anyway, I finally went into the eye doctor's office. At that point, my luck was running low, you might say, or just - it was one of those days, I guess - because I filled out a bunch of paperwork, which I had been 10 minutes early in order to fill out, and I was now exactly on time, instead of early. Sitting there telling them how many surgeries I had had on this piece of paper - four, by the way - I've had four surgeries. Um, and . . .  oh, you want to know what they were?

Wisdom teeth out. Steel rod in broken right leg. Lasik eye surgery. Tonsillectomy - which was the worst one. Yeah.

And then, the technician took me into the back room, did a little bit of eye testing on me. And I tell her my story. It goes like this: A couple of weeks ago, I had Covid-19, we believe, and I think I must have banged my head, perhaps, because I was struggling to be able to stand up, and was collapsing on the floor, and I may have banged my head. So now my right eye was seeing bright light and had blurry vision.

So she takes down my story, typing it up, goes out the door, says, "I'll bring the doctor to you in a few minutes," comes back and says, "The doctor needs you to have a negative Covid test to show before he can see you."

So I'm like, "Well! Guess that's that." And honestly, my vision had been doing well the past few days, and I almost canceled the appointment anyway, but at least now I knew that my glasses were working about as good as they could, because I was able to read the tiniest little letters on the wall with my glasses on. So I could skip the optometrist, and I could skip coming back here, because I was not about to go get a Covid test to have my eye checked when it was already better.

And Papa got over the "flush up against" bumper scenario. He never stayed irritated long.

"STRENGTHENED WITH ALL MIGHT, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS POWER, UNTO ALL PATIENCE AND LONGSUFFERING WITH JOYFULNESS."

Are You Still Mad at Me?

I'm going to head back in my imagination to the Christian elementary school I attended in Pennsylvania. The rules were strict, but I loved school and seldom got into trouble. Until . . .

One day at school after gym class, we waited in line in the hallway for our teacher to lead us back to our classroom. There was a lot of whispering and talking going on, which we all knew was against the rules when standing or walking in line. I knew those kids who were talking were going to get in trouble.

One of the ways we communicated without talking was to finger spell using the sign language alphabet. I decide to get the attention of my best friend, in line behind me. She was one of the few who were NOT talking. I finger spelled "Q-U-I-E-T," but she just shook her head at me, so I spelled it again. She still didn't get it,

Along came our teacher, and she was determined to call out those who had been talking. She started at the front, pointed to one child after another, looking them in the eye, and telling the culprits, "Go back to the classroom and hide your head in your arms at your desk."

The teacher came up to me and demanded, "Were you talking?" I solemnly shook my head no.

Then she came to my best friend, who feel she needed to mention: "Sharon Rose was using sign language."

The teacher whipped around and told me, "Go bury your head!"

My eyes widened, my eyebrows rose, and I spun on my heel and flounced off. To me, the unfairness was tense with irony. I thought the rule was to be quiet - not to refrain from communicating! I had misunderstood the rule - and I loved going by the rules - even when others did not.

I didn't speak to my best friend for the rest of the day, which was almost over anyway.

The following morning at school, my friend lost no time in asking me, "Are you still mad at me?"

I shook my head, then smiled.

That was when in dawned on me - I had been mad! Is THAT why I hadn't been behaving like my usual self? Being mad was not something I experienced very often, probably because of being an only child. I had used non-verbal communication to let my friend know I was mad at her - and I hadn't even had any practice.

These kind of stories make me "mad" at those who insist that all those on the autism spectrum should be in therapy. We sometimes do express our emotions appropriately, even naturally. It's something we can definitely overthink. Sometimes life experiences are simply something we learn from and decide from a new viewpoint how we'd like to express ourselves, verbally and non-verbally in similar situations in the future.

"THE LORD IS GRACIOUS, AND FULL OF COMPASSION; SLOW TO ANGER, AND OF GREAT MERCY."

Flashback 2014 - Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness

My one-year-old daughter lied to me the other day. If she had waited just a while, we could have called it an April Fool's Day joke - but no, this was definitely a lie. I wonder whether she will escape having Asperger's traits at all, considering how highly we Aspies value the truth!

Here's what happened: My baby was bouncing in her play center, in which she normally has a lot of fun. But this time, her babbling turned whiny, so I asked her, "Do you need a diaper change?" and I did the sign language for change.

Baby girl got a little smirk on her face, and did the sign, "change."

So I lifted her out of the bouncy chair and laid her on the changing pad. Lo and behold, her diaper was as dry as could be!

So I'd been bamboozled by a one-year-old who just wanted to get out of her chair. Hmm . . . I wonder if she'll value honesty more later on, like a true Aspie - though it wouldn't hurt us to have a child who is OFF the spectrum among us, since all four of Baby's caregivers have Asperger's traits.

I remember the first lie I told. I was three, and I was left alone in the bathtub for a few minutes. I was interested in the chain that connected to the plug. I grabbed the chain, pretending that the chain was the reins of a horse that I was riding.

All of a sudden, the plug came out, and the water began to go down the drain! I was shocked and flabbergasted, and couldn't imagine what to do next.

My dad came into the bathroom and asked me, "Did you pull out the plug?"

"No, I didn't," I told him.

I think if I had known to say, "Not on purpose," that's what I would have said - because that's definitely what I meant to say.

But to my dad, I was simply lying, and he punished me.

I have always believed my punishment to be too severe - but that is obviously in the past. And I so seldom told lies after that, that the early lesson in "no lying" did the trick.

"WHEREFORE PUTTING AWAY LYING, SPEAK EVERY MAN TRUTH WITH HIS NEIGHBOUR: FOR WE ARE MEMBERS ONE OF ANOTHER."

Book Review: Dear John by Nicholas Sparks

I recently read a book by Nicholas Sparks, entitled Dear John, I enjoyed it pretty well, except for one major problem: it does a disservice to those with Asperger's traits and their families.

First of all, the gentleman in the story who has Asperger's syndrome (the main character John's father) is stereotyped beyond recognition as an Aspie. He fixes the exact same breakfast every day for years, and talks about literally nothing except his one obsession - coin collecting.

John's dad is what we literary people call a flat and static character. By contrast, round characters show us the complexity of their lives, and dynamic characters change and grow throughout the story. Nicholas Sparks is promoting the myth that Aspies cannot and will not ever change. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Secondly, when John's girlfriend Savannah points out to him that she believes his father has Asperger's syndrome, John gets so angry that he injures three grown men! Um, excuse me? She was just trying to help!

To make matters worse, the book then goes on to have Savannah apologize all over herself for even bringing up the name of Asperger. And that is where the cookie crumbles - in the assumption that it is very rude and inappropriate to suggest that a certain friend of yours might possibly have Asperger's syndrome. Come on, now tell me how that is helpful.

Dear John was a good book sandwiching a dangerous lie. Don't be fooled. It's still a good read, and I loved the ending. I'm picky about endings, so that's giving kudos to this future classic written by well-known author Nicholas Sparks.

"IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE: OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY; BEHOLD, ALL THINGS ARE BECOME NEW."

Book Review: The Best Kind of Different by Shonda Schilling

This time, I am going to provide you with some favorite quotes from a book written by the mom of a boy with Asperger's Syndrome, as well as three other children. See what you can learn from Shonda Schilling, and maybe you'll read the whole book as well. The title is: The Best Kind of Different.

The speech [about Grant's Asperger's Syndrome] was emotional, funny, and thankful. When you speak from the heart, you can never go wrong.

The goal was to help Grant understand when to talk, when to stop talking, and that it was rude to dominate the conversation.

On the "social consequences map," there are four columns: My Action, How I Felt, How Others Felt, and Consequences.

One time, as a boy was telling him a story, Grant started walking in circles. . . . He didn't know what his body language said - that his behavior was rude.

In drama class, they would put on plays with themes relating to social interaction. . . . they needed to know how to work as a team, letting each person say his or her lines without being interrupted. . . .  Grant was "Jack" in a production of Jack and the Beanstalk. . . . Grant did a magnificent job. He knew all his lines and was totally comfortable and confident on stage. I felt so proud, watching him.

[W]e moved too much, so I never felt I wanted to expose myself to people I might not be around for too long. It's not easy to build a lifelong friendship with someone who might be gone the next week. Baseball [Schilling's husband's job] is so transient, it's hard to let down your guard and find true friendship.

[Christina, Grant's therapist] would write out a [social] story, mapping out what was going to happen [at Grant's next ball game]. He would understand the changes and be ready for all the transitions.

One of Grant's funnier characteristics is his penchant for blurting out painfully honest statements. . . . Other people just think [things that Aspies say], but keep to themselves for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

[Grant's third grade teacher] was quickly bowled over by the story [Grant] had written. He'd made every kid in the class a heroic character in a fantasy tale. And he'd done it all for the sake of making his classmates smile, which he did!

Grand was recently the star of the week at his school, which meant that each child had to write him a note. Almost all the kids wrote, "You are always nice to me." It filled my heart!

[Christina:] Grant doesn't realize that other people might have different thoughts or opinions that he does on any given subject.

I had this idea that I had control over whether or not I got depressed, which couldn't have been further from the truth. . . . I was vain, rigid, and uptight. That drew me away from experiencing and appreciating the pure joy that life can bring.

Asperger's doesn't go away. This is who Grant is, and we need to accept him and love him, in all his quirky, emotional, adorable oddness.

"IT IS NOT GOOD TO HAVE RESPECT OF PERSONS IN JUDGMENT."

"THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS . . . KINDNESS."

Judgin' - Guest Post by Sophie

I know everyone is guilty of it - I definitely know I am - but sometimes it's ridiculous how often people get judged. Today, I was very much aware of it as I heard some people talking bad about other people. A lot of times we're so quick to think, "She's weird." Or, "He's so obnoxious." Or, "She's so loud." Or, "He's too quiet." Or, "She's too awkward." These are just an array of examples of what people are quick to point out and talk about.

The thing is, though, everybody has their flaws. I know I do. And I am aware of them. And some of the characteristics are things I can't fix, that are just simply me. Or I don't want to fix it because it isn't necessarily bad (such as being weird). I like to have fun. And sometimes I'm awkward because I'm unsure of people. And I don't need to fix those.

And the other thing is: everyone (EVERYONE) has their own story. Nobody came to be how they are just by magic. I wasn't always seemingly shy. But when someone is so keen to how people judge and talk bad about people, it does make them less inclined to speak up.

Overall though, that is something I need to overcome. Because I shouldn't care about who judges me. I should only care what God thinks. And who are we, human beings, to judge others? Really? We don't know other people's lives, thoughts, or feelings- but we do know that they are God's people, and we should love them. And we most definitely shouldn't speak bad about them. Like, what purpose does that serve? Does it make us look any better? No. No, it doesn't.

This isn't a note for anyone in particular, but it is something that's been weighing on my heart, and I just felt like I should share it. Because way too often we judge, and it's something I want to work on, because even I was quick to judge the people who were judging others. So I just pray for the spirit of love from God and the spirit of humility to influence and breathe into my life, because without that, I am so lost.

I desperately need God, every day.

by Sophie Ando

"FOR WITH WHAT JUDGMENT YE JUDGE, YE SHALL BE JUDGED: AND WITH WHAT MEASURE YE METE, IT SHALL BE MEASURED TO YOU AGAIN."

So How Do You Know Your Friend Is an Aspie?

Here are a few quick observations about the ways that Aspies act, especially if they are undiagnosed and have not been to therapy. Maybe this list will help you identify friends and family who have Asperger's traits.

1. Forgets to smile during a photo shoot
2. Won't answer when you say, "Good morning! How are you this morning?" (My reply to this is: "I don't know yet - I just got up.")
3. Can talk your ear off about a particular favorite topic, and often interrupts or won't take time to let you reply
4. Apologizes for things that were not his/her fault
5. Sits up stiff and straight
6. Isn't good at making jokes
7. Wears comfortable clothing to the point of his/her clothes being shabby or mismatched
8. Won't pay attention to you when you are arriving or saying good-bye (Try touching him/her on the shoulder, if this happens a lot)
9. Is shy, quiet, and introverted
10. Is easy-going and likes peace and quiet at home

"BLESSED IS THE MAN THAT TRUSTETH IN THE LORD, AND WHOSE HOPE THE LORD IS."

Five Flavors of Emotions

I had a comment from a reader who described his or her dad as emotionally distant. I have some advice for that situation.

First of all, people with Asperger's traits DO have emotions - sometimes very intense emotions. The hard part for us is to figure a way to express these emotions appropriately - or express them at all!

We know we feel bad or sad or embarrassed, but we have no idea what to do with these emotions to help improve the situation.

I like to think of various feelings/emotions as flavors, because flavors are neither "good" nor "bad," but simply present to our taste buds, as feelings are to our hearts and minds.

For the "emotionally distant" person, I recommend making the following chart and filling it in:

BLAND - boredom, usefulness, sameness

SOUR - frustration, difficult challenges, nervousness, annoyance

BITTER - embarrassment, anger, fearfulness, offended/insulted, disappointment, resentment

SALTY - excitement, learning, fun challenges, good changes

SWEET - happiness, enjoyment, fulfilled wishes

To fill in the chart, please describe various situations in which the feelings could be described by one or more of these flavors. Then friends and family will better be able to help and understand the problem. Homeschoolers, try combining this activity with a science lesson about the taste buds!

"BUT I HAVE TRUSTED IN THY MERCY; MY HEART SHALL REJOICE IN THY SALVATION. I WILL SING UNTO THE LORD, BECAUSE HE HATH DEALT BOUNTIFULLY WITH ME."

Myths (Exaggerations) One Last Time

The 7th myth: Aspies are weird because we refuse to wear uncomfortable clothes. 

Shouldn’t this be the other way  around? Off-the-spectrum folks are willing to wear uncomfortable clothes in order to look fashionable. To me, that’s weird. 

The 8th myth: "Without proper diagnosis children cannot get proper treatment; without proper treatment they cannot succeed." - Petition by Lisa DeSherlia

Two words: Yeah, right.

Could we please define "succeed"? Do we mean financially, socially, or academically? I know Aspie adults who are succeeding in all these ways, and they never had "proper treatment" OR a "proper diagnosis." Let's stop viewing things so hopelessly, people!

The 9th myth: People with psychosocial illnesses cannot (or should not) enter into relationships and maintain them - at least not without regular counseling sessions. 

Again with the hopelessness. These kinds of counseling sessions may be helpful, and in my case, they have been. However, relationships have come fairly easily as long as they were in a one-on-one session. In groups, my Asperger's Syndrome is more noticeable, but it hasn't stopped me from marrying my wonderful Aspie husband who diagnosed himself after reading my blog.

Let's wind up with three more myths, and then we can move on to other things.

The 10th myth: Aspie emotional outbursts are always inappropriate.

Did you know that in Bible times, mourners were hired to mourn the loss of loved ones? Bad things do happen, and they are worth getting upset over. Enough said.

The 11th myth:  Aspies are incapable of learning social skills and etiquette.

On the contrary, Aspies are more interested in social skills than the average neurotypical for whom it comes naturally. The main difference is that Aspies need that teacher or peer or etiquette book in order to LEARN social skills. It does take time and practice, but this goal is not unattainable for any Aspie, I believe - or even an low-functioning autistic person, I believe. Yet the instructions must be very precise.

The 12th and final myth: Aspies don't know how to have fun like "normal" kids.

The reality is that Aspies love to have fun, but different things are fun to them, such as: learning from books, walking in circles, talking to yourself, humming, playing make-believe by yourself, or cutting out paper dolls alone, or watching ant hills - and I have enjoyed all of these. Softball, kickball and dodge ball were my enemies, but I could cut a mean paper doll!

So try having fun the Aspie way, and you'll learn things you never knew - unless you ARE an Aspie, and  you've been there before.

"WHEREFORE THE KING SAID UNTO ME [NEHEMIAH], WHY IS THY COUNTENANCE SAD, SEEING THOU ART NOT SICK? THIS IS NOTHING ELSE BUT SORROW OF HEART."

An Explanation from "The Inside" - Guest Post by Taylor Morris

Please click for video:
Taylor Morris on High-Functioning Autism

"I love being able to say that I'm a successful person - and I'm not a normal one."

"I love being different."

"I love that I can go through life and do the things that most people do - yet have almost a different twist on it. It's actually a lot of fun . . . to be different."

"HENCEFORTH I [JESUS] CALL YOU [MY DISCIPLES] SERVANTS; FOR THE SERVANT KNOWETH NOT WHAT HIS LORD DOETH: BUT I HAVE CALLED YOU FRIENDS; FOR ALL THINGS THAT I HAVE HEARD OF MY FATHER I HAVE MADE KNOWN UNTO YOU."

Another Asperger's Myth Unveiled

The 5^th Myth (hey, I’m rhyming) is: “A diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome and mental illnesses (such as bipolar disorder, ADD, or schizophrenia, for example) are mutually exclusive. You can't have both at the same time.” Oh, yes, you can, and the symptoms may overlap, further muddying the waters. This myth is perpetuated because mental disorders are diagnosed by observation, questionnaire, and comparison to a list of symptoms. You don't just take a blood test and get told the news; your teachers, parents, psychologists, and psychiatrists have to figure it out. YOU may be the one to figure it out yourself!

I remember being 17, and looking over my dad's shoulder at a library book that had a title something to do with bipolar disorder. Then I read the list of symptoms, and it clicked with me. At that moment, I knew that I had experienced both depression and mania; therefore, I had bipolar disorder. At age 15, I had been diagnosed with a brief psychotic episode that had lasted several weeks. Psychosis is evidenced by delusional thinking and erratic behavior, which I obviously had displayed. At the same time, I also had countless symptoms of mania. I had my first hypomanic episode at 13, and first depressive episode at 14. These episodes consumed me with insomnia and lack of appetite. I was either a whirling dervish, or Eeyore personified! Yet nobody told me I had BIPOLAR DISORDER! Hello???

Anyway, I'm not bitter - well, maybe a little. Mental illnesses are apparently difficult to diagnose. Some of you, my readers, may believe all your problems can be chalked up to Asperger's syndrome, And maybe they can. However, if you are experiencing the symptoms of other mental health problems, then please, don't fall for the myth. Get yourself to the psychiatrist FAST, and rally your support people who care about you. That's what I do, and it is necessary for me to be able continue on, despite my struggles.

" . . . THEY BROUGHT UNTO [JESUS] ALL SICK PEOPLE THAT WERE TAKEN WITH DIVERS DISEASES AND TORMENTS, AND THOSE WHICH WERE POSSESSED WITH DEVILS, AND THOSE WHICH WERE LUNATICK, AND THOSE THAT HAD THE PALSY; AND HE HEALED THEM."

Opening Up - Guest Post by Aidan

Favorite quotes from Aidan King:

"In real life, I'm a special child that's just out-of-the-ordinary."

"For some reason, every time I think of something, it becomes real. I notice very much - in my mind, I am free. . . . I can just do anything."

Editor's note: Did you catch that, folks? Here's Aidan, age 12, whoppin' down the fallacy that “Boys and girls with Autism/Asperger's don't use their imaginations.” Hello? 3^rd Myth dismantled here.

Aidan actually has spoken one more myth, the 4^th Myth, which is what his doctors evidently told him . . . "I have Autism and Asperger's Syndrome - those are the same thing." Um, no. The labels low-functioning and high-functioning are used for a reason. Low-functioning autism is never referred to as Asperger's syndrome, because Hans Asperger never studied or reported on low-functioning autism (that I know of).

One crucial difference is that those with Asperger's have the ability to communicate - and communicate well. That being said, I'd say Aidan is on the high-functioning end of the spectrum, even though he may have been diagnosed as autistic when he was younger. Congratulations on your improvements, Aidan!

Aidan also remarks: "There's one most important thing to me, and that is: friends, family, and my pets." He concludes: "All I know is: I love everything that my parents and life has given me, and I'd do anything to keep going, and fighting."

"MOREOVER IT IS REQUIRED IN STEWARDS, THAT A MAN BE FOUND FAITHFUL."

I Apologize; I Sinned - OR - Excuse Me; I'm Aspie

Give this post a look-see on youtube, where I read it aloud:
I Apologize OR Excuse Me

I want to address this topic submitted by a reader. There are many different directions I could take this topic, and I have pondered for the past two-and-a-half months before deciding what to write. I also took the time to discuss the topic with my Aspie dad and Aspie husband and get their perspectives.

I would like to stay true to the overall impression of this blog by telling a story from my life. However, I also want to add a pertinent doctrinal discussion, since the doctrine of sin is easy to misunderstand. I hope this post gives you more clarity as you navigate the waters of your social life and your spiritual life.

In the past, I did not quickly identify my mistakes as due to Asperger's syndrome, and so the chance to blame Asperger's syndrome was completely overlooked. Then I started this blog and realized just how many of the scrapes I got into actually could be blamed on my being an Aspie. I have seldom played the "Excuse me; I'm Aspie" card. There have been opportunities to do so, but I prefer to own my mistakes and apologize for them directly. Sometimes I add an explanation of what was going through my head at the time of the mistake.

By "mistake," I mean something I said or did or implied by tone of voice that turned out to be socially inappropriate, unkind, rude, disrespectful, or bossy. And when I say I prefer to own my mistakes, let me just add that many times I have NOT apologized for a mistake, but have ignored the existence of the mistake or refused to admit that it was a mistake worth apologizing for.

It's possible that we, as Aspies, would be better understood if more people around us had a grasp on Asperger's syndrome and what it means. That's one purpose of this blog. So if you prefer to tell people you have Asperger's traits whenever you get caught acting out your Asperger's traits, I certainly can understand why you'd want to.

Okay, I'm putting off telling the story, because it was one of my worst moments, when I hurt the feelings of a friend I truly like and admire. I apologized by email, too, even though I could easily have spoken the apology, and that would have been a better choice. Anyway . . . while I was attending college, I worked for a Christian company, where all my coworkers were Christians. At our monthly department meetings, our department head gave each of us awards for demonstrating a specific character trait. That month, I did not merit the award for demonstrating kindness.

And it's all because I am an Aspie - well, because I'm a human, too - a human with a sinful nature, no less. And there's the tricky part - how do we divide our acts into separate categories of "mistake" and "sin," "personality flaw" and "rebellion against God"?

On with the story . . . I attended a musical one night, and I love musicals. It was The Sound of Music, and a few years previously, I had acted the role of one of the nuns in my college production, so I was eager to see how this production compared with the one I had seen from backstage in rehearsals. I enjoyed the play very much, but I preferred the play I had been in, overall, which was only natural.

My coworker's friend had played the part of Maria (the leading role), and the next day at work, she mentioned, with a glowing face, "My friend played Maria so well! I thought she sang just as well as Maria in the movie!"

"You really think so?" I blurted out. "I didn't think she sang that well."

And the glow on my coworker's face faded out right before my eyes. (Who says Aspies can't read body language?) I realized then that I had put my foot in my mouth. So I shoved it farther in.

"I have to be honest," I remarked, "and critical."

"No, you don't," my coworker murmured, staring at me.

What makes me kick myself now was that I implied that she was being deceitful when she gave her opinion that her friend had sung as well as Maria in the movie. My shock at hearing her opinion came not because I was especially disappointed in her friend's singing, but because of my surpassing awe when hearing the voice of Julie Andrews - Maria in the movie. But there's no reason why my coworker's opinion would not have been a true one.

After all, I had studied the difference between opinion and fact back in elementary school. We had to sort statements into categories labeled "Opinion" and "Fact." But when I heard that opinion, I immediately had the irresistible urge to correct an opinion that I deemed to be "wrong" - an opinion which I took quite literally.

See my post Contradictions and Corrections for more details on why that irresistible urge to correct hits Aspies.

As I grew more embarrassed at seeing how impolite my words appeared to be, I said to my coworker, "Don't tell her I said that."

Then my other coworker, who had mentored me on more than one occasion, finally said, "She is not going to tell her friend you said that - and she would like you to drop it and change the subject now."

My mentor came to me in private shortly afterwards and told me she brought up her children to consider before they spoke whether their words were true, kind, and necessary. Mine, though true, were neither kind nor necessary, and so, apparently, my remarks fell into the category of "sin." The verse that jumped to mind was Ephesians 4:32 -

"AND BE YE KIND ONE TO ANOTHER, TENDERHEARTED, FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER, EVEN AS GOD FOR CHRIST'S SAKE HATH FORGIVEN YOU."

Although my motive had been to set the record straight, my words had come out as rude and unkind and unnecessary. The apostle James was right when he wrote: 

"BUT THE TONGUE CAN NO MAN TAME; IT IS AN UNRULY EVIL, FULL OF DEADLY POISON."

I believe, from my study of the stories and principles in God's Word, that God expects us to have both right motives AND right words or actions. 

If we do the right thing for the wrong reason, we are not pleasing God. I can prove this from Jesus' words in Matthew 6. 

"TAKE HEED THAT YE DO NOT YOUR ALMS BEFORE MEN, TO BE SEEN OF THEM: OTHERWISE YE HAVE NO REWARD OF YOUR FATHER WHICH IS IN HEAVEN. . . . AND WHEN THOU PRAYEST, THOU SHALT NOT BE AS THE HYPOCRITES ARE: FOR THEY LOVE TO PRAY STANDING IN THE SYNAGOGUES AND IN THE CORNERS OF THE STREETS, THAT THEY MAY BE SEEN OF MEN. VERILY I SAY UNTO YOU, THEY HAVE THEIR REWARD."

Just as much, we are to blame when we do the wrong thing accidentally, or with the right motivation. In God's law for the Israelites, in Leviticus 5, He wrote:

"IF A SOUL COMMIT A TRESPASS, AND SIN THROUGH IGNORANCE, IN THE HOLY THINGS OF THE LORD; THEN HE SHALL BRING FOR HIS TRESPASS UNTO THE LORD A RAM WITHOUT BLEMISH OUT OF THE FLOCKS, WITH THY ESTIMATION BY SHEKELS OF SILVER, AFTER THE SHEKEL OF THE SANCTUARY, FOR A TRESPASS OFFERING."

Ignorance of the law was not a good enough reason to opt out of the required sacrifice meant to atone for sins. In an Aspie's case, ignorance of social customs does not let us off the hook when we hurt people's feelings.

There are also various stories in the Bible in which sins are committed for what seem very logical reasons, such as Abraham's lie that Sarah was his sister, even though she was really his wife, since he feared for his life (Genesis 20).

Another example is King Saul's decision to perform sacrifices himself, though he was not the proper person to do so. Saul gives Samuel his reasons and motivations for the decision, but Samuel pronounces God's judgment on Saul nonetheless (I Samuel 13).

So, as Aspies, when we are motivated to make things perfect, or tell the complete truth, or keep quiet instead of being friendly, we need to think about the needs of those around us, and say the things that will encourage them.

Complicating this topic is the idea that sometimes truth really does trump kindness. Jesus called the Pharisees hypocrites, which made them very mad at Him, but that is truly what they were, and they needed to be told (Matthew 23). The prophets spoke many upsetting words, but God had sent them to point out people's sins and warn them of coming judgment.

So if we truly see the need to point out sins (or flaws) in other's lives, we'd better be sure we have the authority to do so, and then go for it! They may benefit from listening to our rebukes, or as wise King Solomon says in Proverbs 15:5:

"A FOOL DESPISETH HIS FATHER'S INSTRUCTION: BUT HE THAT REGARDETH REPROOF IS PRUDENT."

I hesitated to write this post, because I'm not sure we should even be asking the question: Under what circumstances do our "mistakes" classify as "sins"? We can go the extreme of feeling very guilty for sins that God has forgiven, through our faith in Jesus. We can go to the opposite extreme of feeling nonchalant about our inappropriate words and actions, by saying we are simply being true to ourselves.

We can even take the attitude of judging those around us and coming down on them harshly, when we are supposed to be loving and forgiving. Here at the end of my post, I will add some very pertinent Scriptures about allowing God to be the ultimate Judge.

From Romans:

"WHO ART THOU THAT JUDGEST ANOTHER MAN'S SERVANT? TO HIS OWN MASTER HE STANDETH OR FALLETH. YEA, HE SHALL BE HOLDEN UP: FOR GOD IS ABLE TO MAKE HIM STAND."

"BUT WHY DOST THOU JUDGE THY BROTHER? OR WHY DOST THOU SET AT NOUGHT THY BROTHER? FOR WE SHALL ALL STAND BEFORE THE JUDGMENT SEAT OF CHRIST." 

"LET US NOT THEREFORE JUDGE ONE ANOTHER ANY MORE: BUT JUDGE THIS RATHER, THAT NO MAN PUT A STUMBLINGBLOCK OR AN OCCASION TO FALL IN HIS BROTHER'S WAY." 

From I Corinthians:

"BUT WITH ME [PAUL] IT IS A VERY SMALL THING THAT I SHOULD BE JUDGED OF YOU, OR OF MAN'S JUDGMENT: YEA, I JUDGE NOT MINE OWN SELF. 

"FOR I KNOW NOTHING BY MYSELF; YET AM I NOT HEREBY JUSTIFIED: BUT HE THAT JUDGETH ME IS THE LORD. 

"THEREFORE JUDGE NOTHING BEFORE THE TIME, UNTIL THE LORD COME, WHO BOTH WILL BRING TO LIGHT THE HIDDEN THINGS OF DARKNESS, AND WILL MAKE MANIFEST THE COUNSELS OF THE HEARTS: AND THEN SHALL EVERY MAN HAVE PRAISE OF GOD."

Contradictions and Corrections

"It's not a house; it's a condo."

With these words, directed at my dad, I displayed my natural tendency to correct and contradict those who make errors, be they glaring or miniscule. I got in trouble for it. I was turning eight years old that summer, and we were staying at a friend's condo. I was excited to learn the new word condo, short for condominium, and to discover that the condo was attached to many other condos in the same building, unlike the house I lived in during the school year. My dad's remark, "It's time to go back to the house," seemed like an appropriate opportunity for expressing my superior knowledge - but it really wasn't.

This incident was the first time I can remember feeling chagrined after contradicting someone. Another time, when I was a teenager, I contradicted a lady whom I admired very much, and she laughed it off, but I could tell I had embarrassed her. I felt ashamed of myself and wondered why I had blurted out the correction to what she had said, without considered how that might make her feel.

Fellow Aspies, do you have this same drive to make sure no mistakes are left uncorrected? Does it sometimes get you in trouble?

It got Jack Lack into trouble. In a book I recently read, Out to Get Jack, by James Williams (not to be confused with James Patrick Williams, my husband), the main character Jack is eleven years old and has autism. Here is an excerpt from the book:

" 'We got here at noon,' [said Jack's mother.]
"Jack suddenly found his voice. That was because his mother had just committed hypocrisy. His mother had told a lie in front of her aunt. And for years he had been told never to tell a lie. They did not get there at noon - they got there at 12:05. So why didn't his mother say so? Jack was so angry, he decided that if she wouldn't say so, he would.
" 'No, we got here at 12:05, not at noon,' Jack corrected her.
Everyone looked at Jack disapprovingly."

Jack's motivation for correcting his parent was different from mine, but I still identify with the desire for the truth to be told - with precision!

Since I was an English major in college, people sometimes joked about having to mind their grammar around me. I reassured them that I didn't mind grammar being butchered while people around me were talking, but I was a stickler for correct grammar in writing. Still, I took mental note every time grammar was butchered in the conversations and speeches I listened to - especially when fake words were coined!

Yes, when tired, I myself have said "fighted" when I meant "fought," and other similar bloopers, but I corrected myself as fast as I could. . . . And that's another strange Aspie characteristic I have - correcting myself out loud, no matter how socially awkward I appear by doing so.

At a birthday party I went to with high school friends, the birthday girl opened my present and before she had a chance to thank me, I blurted out, "Oh! I forgot to take the price tag off!" thereby immediately directing her eye to the price tag. My mom had drilled into me that price tags must be removed before wrapping a present. So while my friends at the party chatted and laughed, I sneaked the opened present into a corner and peeled off the price tag.

What was I thinking??? Um, simply, "Price tags must be removed from presents." Not, "It's too late. She already saw the price. She knows how much I spent for her present. It's not the end of the world. I'm here to have a good time, not to worry about protocol." But somehow, while following my mistake-correcting impulses, I had the sinking feeling that I was acting in a strange way, and that I was being thought of as a strange person. Hmm.

I have made an effort to overcome these impulses. Recently, a friend from college visIted my home, and twice, I resisted the urge to make corrections. At one point, my friend was in the kitchen, holding my baby, and she grabbed a toy off the kitchen counter and handed it to the baby. I wanted to blurt out, "Oh, that toy has been on the dirty floor. It's on the counter waiting to be washed in the sink." However, my mental restraining order read: "It's too late. The baby already has the toy in her mouth. It wasn't that dirty after all. What can your friend do but apologize and feel bad? Keep it to yourself."

Then, the next morning, as we were getting up for the day, I realized that although I had brought the comforter out to the couch for my friend to sleep on, I had forgotten to provide sheets. She had brought her own blanket and pillow, and that threw me off my original plan to provide pillows, sheets, and the comforter to double as mattress and blanket. So she didn't have sheets. I wanted to say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to put sheets out for you!" But instead, I kept it to myself. She slept well, after all, and I didn't want her to think I considered my comforter contaminated by her presence. Automatic correction mechanism outwitted once again!

Naturally, there are times when corrections and even contradictions need to be made. As Aspies, we can often, with lightning speed, zoom in on details that we know to be incorrect, and this can be an asset. However, we need to take a moment (or a day) to think of a polite way to contribute our corrections . . . or screen them out altogether when appropriate. Are you up to the challenge?

"THEN JOB ANSWERED AND SAID, HOW LONG WILL YE VEX MY SOUL, AND BREAK ME IN PIECES WITH WORDS? THESE TEN TIMES HAVE YE REPROACHED ME: YE ARE NOT ASHAMED THAT YE MAKE YOURSELVES STRANGE TO ME. AND BE IT INDEED THAT I HAVE ERRED, MINE ERROR REMAINETH WITH MYSELF."

Guilty Conscience

Give this post a look-see on youtube, where I read it aloud:
Guilty Conscience Video

I had a request from a reader to address the topic of guilt. As Aspies, we sometimes get the guilty feeling that someone is mad at us, but either we can't figure out what we did wrong socially, or we are misreading cues and our friends are not mad at all.

Alternately, our friends get mad at us, and their nonverbal cues go right over our heads. Or possibly, our friends ask us if we are mad, and we are simply being quiet and concentrating hard, and the "serious" look gets interpreted as a "mad" look. Or one Aspie leaves abruptly, forgetting to say good-bye, and a sensitive Aspie friend assumes the other is mad at her.

These are examples I have heard or observed among my friends. In my own case, my biggest problem is in using words to express my own feelings of being mad. I tend to let a dirty look say it all, or become sarcastic, which does not accomplish the goal of communicating my hurt feelings to the person I'm mad at. When I get mad at someone with just cause, my goal would be to produce guilty feelings in that person without hurting their feelings back automatically . . . but I'm not very good at it.

If you think a certain person is mad at you, it's okay to ask. If you ask frequently, and especially if they are your friends, you are likely to get a lot of "no" answers. Believe them.

If you get a "yes" answer, then follow it up by asking, "How did I hurt your feelings? How can I do better next time?" You don't necessarily have to explain your Asperger's traits, unless you think it would help your friends be more patient with you. You may want to say, "I'm not using my Asperger's syndrome as an excuse, but it's an explanation for why I can't tell whether or not you're mad at me and how to fix it if you are."

My own ongoing sense of guilt could be interpreted more as regret, or a sense of failure. This ties in with the Aspie trait of perfectionism as well as the experience of being raised in a Christian home - in my case, in a missionary family. What I try to remember is that I don't have to be perfect, because Jesus was perfect FOR ME. He died in my place for all the wrong things I have done and the poor choices I have made, while He was completely free from guilt Himself. So even though I want to do my best, make good choices, and avoid mistakes, my motivation is meant to be my love for Jesus - not my own pride.

One way to find freedom from guilt and regret is to replace should thinking with could thinking. When you catch yourself thinking, "I should do things this way," you can rephrase the thought to read, "I could do things this way. I would like to do things this way. I choose to do things this way."

The could-for-should substitution idea is not original to me; I read it in a book by Timothy L. Sanford, whom I met when he gave me a few counseling sessions back in 1999. The book, titled I Have to Be Perfect (And Other Parsonage Heresies), is written specifically to preacher's kids and missionary kids (I'm a missionary kid). I believe much of the content was helpful to address my Asperger's way of thinking as well, specifically: perfectionism, struggling with emotions, and rule-bound behavior.

Here is a quote from I Have to Be Perfect that explains why you would want to replace should thinking with could thinking:

"It's not just a word game. When you exchange the shoulds for the coulds, you give yourself options. When you have options, real options, you have real choice. When you have choice, you have freedom. When you have freedom, you have the responsiblity that comes with choosing. Sometimes that responsibility comes down to choosing between wisdom and foolishness. Most of the time though, it's a matter of choosing from several options that all have positive and negative elements to them. You are free to engage the brain God gave you to choose freely" (Sanford 104).

If you're interested, here is a summary of I Have to Be Perfect from the blog "Thoughts of a Third Culture Kid": The Perfect Lie  (I have not read the entire blog, but I read this specific post and recommend it. It includes a link to purchase the book.)

THEREFORE IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE: OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY; BEHOLD, ALL THINGS ARE BECOME NEW. AND ALL THINGS ARE OF GOD, WHO HATH RECONCILED US TO HIMSELF BY JESUS CHRIST . . . FOR HE HATH MADE HIM TO BE SIN FOR US, WHO KNEW NO SIN; THAT WE MIGHT BE MADE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN HIM.

Justice Oriented

I have drawn many of my blog posts from my experiences in elementary school, when my Aspie traits were the strongest. Here is a story from my fourth-grade year, prompted by the following quote. The quote was posted in the Facebook group Asperger's Syndrome ASD by my Facebook friend MJBH, with his comment:

"He or she will not accept a particular school rule if it appears to be illogical, and will pursue a point or argument as a matter of principle. This can lead to a history of significant conflict with teachers and school authorities" (Dr. Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome).

"MJBH: It's not that Aspies are rebellious; it's just that they are attempting to behave or act out behavior that reflects what is logical or makes sense. Aspies, in fact, are very justice oriented."

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher was very strict and very fun. She gave us plenty of movie time and extra recess time as motivation to get our work done quickly. She took us on lots of field trips. She also required us to hide our answers to discourage cheating. And one time I got in big trouble with her. 

It was very unusual for me to get in big trouble, even though I attended a strict, conservative Christian school, where kids got in trouble as a matter of course, for fairly minor infractions. As mentioned in Emotional Meltdowns Part Two, I liked following instructions. Rule-bound behavior is a common trait for Asperger's syndrome. However, knowing the reason for the rule can be essential to the Aspie's obedience to the rule. Since I was an only child, my parents had the available time to explain the reasons behind their directions, and I was typically compliant, even what you might call a people-pleaser.

So when I repeatedly forgot to return my parent's signature on papers that had been sent home from school, I didn't feel that guilty, because it was the result of simple carelessness and not defiance. But it did mean I had to stay in from recess. Another girl who was my classmate had to stay in from recess for the same length of time - and it was pretty long - 15 minutes, if my memory serves me. Our teacher then left the classroom to do an errand, telling the two of us to come out to the playground when the timer dinged.

I knew that recess typically lasted only 20 minutes, so when the timer went off, I looked at my classmate and said, "They'll be back in 5 minutes. We might as well wait here." She agreed, and so we waited and watched the clock. But after 9 minutes had gone by, the room was still empty except for us two. "Maybe we'd better go outside," I said, and again the other student followed my lead.

Just as we were exiting the building, our teacher came striding across the playground and scolded us sharply for not coming out exactly at the time she specified. Then, when we were shepherded back to our classroom, she continued to scold us in front of the rest of our class. The words she used over and over were: "Direct disobedience!"

Frankly, I was dumbfounded, even amused, at my teacher's reaction. Here I had voluntarily extended the length of my own punishment, and I was judged as being defiant to my teacher's explicit directions. 

For years, I wondered what was so wrong about what I did. Just as I was preparing to write this blog, the answer suddenly occurred to me. My teacher needed to know exactly where to find each of the students she was responsible for at any given moment. If she could not rely on us to be where she thought we were, she could get in serious trouble herself for not making sure we were okay. Maybe it took becoming a mom (which happened to me four months ago) for me to finally see my teacher's perspective and realize that her response was not an overreaction after all.

"ABRAHAM OBEYED MY [GOD'S] VOICE, AND KEPT MY CHARGE, MY COMMANDMENTS, MY STATUTES, AND MY LAWS."

No Borrowing Without Asking

I've written up some embarrassing Asperger's moments earlier in this blog, but they were from my childhood. I think now's the time to include anecdotes from my college days.

During my first semester in college, I commuted from home, which was hard because I have low stamina and get fatigued quickly. When it came to staying after class time for concerts or play rehearsals, I was aching for a place to rest. I tried to make do by finding a welcome among the ladies who were dorm residents.

One day, the dean of women issued a notice to the commuting students. The letter requested that we not help ourselves to the dorm rooms, citing an instance where a student came back from class and found a commuter student napping in her bed. Put like that, it sounded crazy . . . till I realized I was the student who had borrowed the bed. I did personally know the student whose bed I took a rest in, but my mistake had been in taking another dorm girl's word for it that "she won't mind if you take a nap in her bed." Apparently, she did mind, because after I woke up, thanked her for the use of the bed, and went about my business, she must have reported the incident. Mine was an honest Aspie mistake. Once I knew what the rules were, even though it made it harder on me - still having nowhere to lay my head - I napped in a library chair with a jacket for a pillow from then on.

Another friend of mine handled a similar situation differently. She and I wore the same size clothes, and after lending me an outfit one day, she told me, "Sharon Rose, you can borrow clothes from me any time - whenever you need an outfit to change into and you don't have time to run back home, okay?" I thanked her and tucked that offer away, ready to draw on it at a moment's notice. The moment came a few weeks later, when I decided to stay past suppertime to attend a concert that I had just found out about that day. I knocked on the door of the dormitory, was let in, and although my friend was not there, I helped myself to a dress in her wardrobe. When she came in to the concert and sat next to me, I gave her a happy grin, and said, "Does this dress look familiar? I borrowed it from you, just like you said I could. It's so nice of you to lend it to me!"

She nodded, but the next day, she took me aside privately, and said, "Sharon Rose, I actually felt uncomfortable when you borrowed my dress yesterday, because I didn't even know you were going to wear it. I'd like to lend you clothes, but I just would like you to ask specifically each time."

I apologized and let her know that I had misunderstood and wouldn't do that again - which I didn't. We maintained our friendship over the next three years and grew very close. Meanwhile, the girl whose bed I borrowed, who had reported my mistake, is forgotten and unknown to me at this time. These are examples of how an Aspie either can be gently corrected in a friendly way or can become indignant that her motives are misinterpreted.

I can easily understand now how my actions could have been attributed to my being self-absorbed or self-indulgent. Maybe I was. But I didn't mean to be, and I loved it that the friend whose dress I borrowed gave me a second chance.

You see, I knew the rule, "No borrowing without asking," but according to my literal mind, I had asked in both cases. My first semester in college was when I learned the hard way that I actually had to ask the right person at the right time.

"TAKE HEED TO YOURSELVES: IF THY BROTHER TRESPASS AGAINST THEE, REBUKE HIM; AND IF HE REPENT, FORGIVE HIM."

Rules to Socialize By

Social skills are learned, and therefore social skills can be taught. Babies start learning social skills from day one. Babies know little else than that crying can result in their needs being met and that smiling and laughing can make their entertainment continue longer. People who have a personality defined by Asperger's traits often struggle throughout their lives to get a handle on social skills.

On the plus side, Aspies tend to be very good at learning by direct instruction. That's why so many Aspies are successful at work, likeable among their peers, and able to avoid "getting into trouble." The Aspies who have a moderate-to-good understanding of social conventions probably learned them, not by observation and mimicry, but by an intellectual understanding of culturally determined rules.

For example, when I was little, my mom told me over and over to look her in the eye. She had to know whether I was paying attention to what she said. Now to an Aspie, listening is for the ears, not the eyes. At times when my mom was scolding me, I thought that being forced to look her in the eye was part of my punishment!

Many years later, when my mom approached my doctor about the possibility that I had Asperger's syndrome, the doctor said Asperger's syndrome had never crossed her mind while she interacted with me, because I consistently made eye contact.

We Aspies can change outwardly if (1) we know what society's expectations are (2) we are motivated to change (3) we practice until it becomes comfortable for us.

So here's a write-up of a few rules that Aspies may not automatically know about. They are pretty safe to follow in any situation. Most of these habits took a lot of coaching from my family and friends before I got used to them - or even before I was convinced to try them! I am including the reasons for the rules, with the hope that it will motivate those Aspies who like their social skills as is. Many times, I have decided to change, more because I wanted to make the people I love more comfortable around me than because I was uncomfortable myself.

1. Smile at people when people look at you. This makes people feel that you welcome their presence.
2. Smile when you're getting your picture taken. That way, it looks like you're having a good time--which, hopefully, you are!
3. Look at people's faces when they are talking to you unless you're sure they don't mind if you listen while doing something else. People want to know you are paying attention, and they can read the expressions on your face even if you struggle to read their expressions.
4. When someone calls your name, respond quickly, preferably by answering out loud. If you don't, people will never know if you are ignoring them, didn't hear them, or were listening all along.
5. Make culturally appropriate eye contact. To the average American, anyone who doesn't look a person in the eye while speaking must be either rude or deceitful. An Aspie may avoid eye contact for other reasons: being distracted by other things to look at . . . feeling confused / embarrassed / tired . . . or just forgetting the importance of eye contact!
6. Say hello (or an equivalent greeting) when you enter a room, and say good-bye (or an equivalent greeting) when you exit. It's good manners. That's why. <grin>
7. Listen for feedback about your appearance. If people seldom compliment your clothes, haircut, or accessories, well . . . they are probably following the rule, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Check with a trusted friend in private to find out what people really think about the way you dress.
8. If you can't think of anything worth saying, say something anyway! This is called "small talk," and it shows people you care about them. Disclaimer for the literally minded: It's okay to be known as a quiet person, as long as you at least ATTEMPT occasionally to make small talk when you don't want to. Sociable people don't always want to make small talk either, but they try anyway because being friendly is really important - especially if you want to make friends.

"CHARITY . . . DOTH NOT BEHAVE ITSELF UNSEEMLY."

"A MAN THAT HATH FRIENDS MUST SHEW HIMSELF FRIENDLY: AND THERE IS A FRIEND THAT STICKETH CLOSER THAN A BROTHER."

Second Grade Misery

Culture shock struck me full force when I started second grade at a Christian school. I had just turned 6 and, up until then, I had lived a homeschool lifestyle. I didn't even have a sibling to interact with at home, so fitting into a classroom full of children was hard to begin with.

The first thing I learned at school was that the more I cried, the more the other little girls would ask me what was the matter. So I stopped crying, because I didn't know how to explain why I was crying. It could have been anything from confusion to disappointment to loneliness. Big words for powerful feelings - but a lot harder to describe than, "I fell down."

The day I caught a stomach bug, I followed the rule, "Sit still in your seat and pay attention in class." Now, I knew of three times when it was appropriate to raise my hand. (1) To answer a question during a lesson. (2) To give a suggestion, such as a favorite song. (3) To get permission to go to the potty - I mean, the restroom. Nobody said anything about raising your hand if you felt sick - not until after I turned green, belched, got escorted to the nurse's office, and was picked up and taken home. Then my mom suggested that next time I felt sick, I should tell the teacher.

Great idea! I thought. I will tell the teacher every single time I feel sick. I liked talking to the teacher so much that I "felt sick" every day after lunch. After several months of these complaints, inevitably, I did catch a flu bug. My poor second-grade teacher dealt with my vomit and promptly told my mom that sandwiches would be a much better lunch for me than yogurt. All the other kids ate sandwiches for lunch.

"But she won't eat sandwiches!" my mom declared. "She hates mayonnaise, hates lunchmeat, hates lettuce. She will eat yogurt!" Nobody told my teacher that people with Asperger's often are hypersensitive to discomfort and sometimes hypersensitive to flavors and textures (AKA picky eaters). Nobody told my mom that I might have Asperger's syndrome. No wonder that, between the two of them, they didn't know what to do with me!

"BE YE ALSO PATIENT; STABLISH YOUR HEARTS: FOR THE COMING OF THE LORD DRAWETH NIGH."