Interpreting Non-Verbal Signals

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What Everybody Ought to Know About Aspergers and Marriage by Stephen Borgman

Stephen Borgman: "I'm a Licensed Psychotherapist. I'm dedicated to excellence, and  focused on bringing hope, understanding, and solutions through excellence in counseling. I love my work! My areas of focus include disability, work related stress, men's issues, children and family coaching. I help individual and corporate clients manage problem situations and develop unused resources and opportunities effectively, resulting in effective solutions." 

I found this article interesting to read, and I know Stephen Borgman has plenty of experience. However, within his article, I uncovered the 6th Aspie myth: "Interpreting non-verbal signals, the core of all communication, for example, is something that the AS individual will always have a lot of difficulty doing."

The part of this statement that identifies it as a myth is the complete hopelessness of the Aspie's case. On the contrary, I believe there is plenty of help and hope available to Aspies, even grown Aspies who were only recently diagnosed. 

Please don't make this blanket statement, Mr. Borgman. I don't know what your experience is, as you evaluate the social skills of the Aspies who come to you for help. It may very well be that those you counsel struggle desperately in the area of non-verbal communication. However, in my experience, Aspies are quick to pick up on non-verbal signals, especially the communication of those whom they know well. These Aspies just don't always guess the best way to handle their end of the conversation. But you who are not on the autistic spectrum would  be surprised at our awareness of body language, facial expression, and tone of voice, if you could look inside our minds.

To the Aspies who come to my blog for help, I would like to encourage my readers that the terms "always" and "a lot" will not be true of you forever, if you work at interpreting non-verbal signals, and especially if you are working with a mentor or a teacher who understands. 

I am a third culture kid, which means I grew up living in more than one country. Non-verbal signals vary across cultures, and they can be taught to Aspies as elements of the particular culture in which they move. This is a skill which must be learned, but don't feel as if it's too late. It's never too late to pay attention and try hard to develop non-verbal interpretation correctly.

Back to my elementary school days for evidence that this statement is a myth. Please remember that I did not receive an Asperger's syndrome diagnosis until I was 18, and I had only the therapy of growing up in a Christian home and attending a Christian school.

On the school bus, when I attended 5th grade in Pennsylvania, I shared a bus seat with a 6th grade girl, while another friend who sat in the seat in front of us was in 7th grade. We liked to imagine stories about mermaids on our long ride to school and home again. Those were the days when the Disney movie A Little Mermaid came out.

One day, my 6th grade friend suggested that we each design a mermaid castle and enter them in a contest. Then the three of us and our 1st grade friend would vote for our favorite.

I voted for the 6th grader's castle. The 7th grader voted for my castle. The 1st grader (who had not drawn a picture) voted for the 6th grader's castle. Then it was the 6th grader's turn to vote.

I could see the suspense and potential hurt in the face of my 7th grade friend. I could sense her shallow breathing, and saw how she was leaning forward to hear the results of the contest. 

I whispered in my 6th grade friend's ear, "Vote for hers. She'll be mad if you don't."

But my friend decided to give her honest opinion and vote for my castle.

"Nobody likes my castle!" our 7th grade friend blustered. "I worked hard on it, and I just don't have the talent to draw like you do. It was the best I could do, and nobody voted for it. This just ruins my day."

As we stepped of the bus onto the school playground, my 6th grade friend said quietly to me, "You were right."

So what do you think, readers? Was I able to interpret non-verbal communication?

"HE THAT IS SLOW TO ANGER APPEASETH STRIFE."

Emotional Meltdowns Part Three

Please read: Emotional Meltdowns Part One and Emotional Meltdowns Part Two


When I referred to my crying when I was ready to go home and had to deal with people for another hour first, it's funny that I lumped together an incident from when I was 6 and another time when I was 16. The first time I was also handling culture shock and the second time, I was in the throes of jet lag (both side effects of being a missionary kid!) So it may have had less to do with Asperger's than I implied, but yeah. That's what happened.

My daughter turned one in March, and I have dealt with just a few temper tantrums from her by picking her up and laying her down in her crib and walking away until I hear silence. That has worked well so far, but only until she's light enough for me to carry! She is still getting ready to walk.

One time my daughter was starting to get worked up, and I sang this song (to the tune of "The B-I-B-L-E")

When I am feeling SAD,
Or someone makes me MAD,
Without delay,
I start to pray,
So God can make me GLAD!

It's a sweet little limerick, and it actually worked. She settled right down.

I also learned another children's ditty about feelings, from LeapFrog Baby.

Feelings are SPECIAL,
Feelings are REAL.
I like sharing the way I FEEL.

And then the song walks the listener through different scenarios for feeling HAPPY, EXCITED, and SLEEPY, with the chorus as above. I like this song, because when I was a teenager, I had the worst time putting my feelings into words, and I usually ended up bawling instead. Now knowing how to express our feelings helps my husband (also an Aspie) and me to communicate better. But more on that later . . . .

"HAVE YOU NOT KNOWN? HAVE YOU NOT HEARD? THE EVERLASTING GOD, THE LORD, THE CREATOR OF THE ENDS OF THE EARTH, NEITHER FAINTS NOR IS WEARY. HIS UNDERSTANDING IS UNSEARCHABLE."