My Asperger's Identity

One of the fun things about discovering my identity as a person with Asperger's syndrome has been not just working to improve my weak points, but thinking back over my life and seeing how "what makes me tick" can often be tied back to Asperger's syndrome. Each person with Asperger's syndrome will fit some of the descriptions - but not all of them - which may simply be because people are individuals. There is overlap in similar descriptions and symptoms, but I doubt if any one autistic person fits every description the experts name.

When I was a child, my parents had never heard of Asperger's syndrome, and yet when they did begin to learn about it, when I was 18, they pegged me for an Aspie more based on my childhood idiosyncrasies than on my current personality. Children are less inhibited; they don't know when they're being socially awkward or strange until it is reinforced by the reactions of their peers and authority figures. That may be why many undiagnosed Asperger's kids simply grow out of their most revealing symptoms. Remember, I firmly believe that Aspies can change, grow, and adapt, whether we go to therapy or not.

So what are some of the characteristics of my childhood that could have tipped off someone who was educated about Asperger's syndrome? Let me count the ways . . .

1. I loved to pace in circles, usually talking to myself at the same time.
2. I liked watching ants on the ground, even during recess with other kids playing tag nearby.
3. I did not tell lies.
4. One of my favorite things to do was to cut the white borders off of stickers - detail, detail!
5. I was a stubbornly picky eater. Oddly enough, I enjoyed broccoli, lima beans, and mushrooms, but refused lettuce, salad dressing, lunch meat, and mayonnaise.
6. I had to be taught to smile for my picture and to look a person in the eye when he or she was speaking to me.
7. I was quiet, and never liked approaching another person to begin a conversation, except for my family and closest friends.
8. In talking and writing, I used words from vocabulary lists and idioms from British children's books.
9. Between ages 5 and 9, I had anxiety that would cause me to cry or tremble when separated from my parents at a time when it was unplanned or when asked to participate in sports games that I did not understand.
10. I had an obsession with children's literature, particularly fantasy, and even more particularly, the story of Peter Pan.
11. I thought 100% was an average grade.

If you don't understand how these personality traits can be connected to Asperger's syndrome, please take a look at My Top Twenty List of Asperger's Traits

"THUS SAITH THE LORD, THY REDEEMER, AND HE THAT FORMED THEE FROM THE WOMB, I AM THE LORD THAT MAKETH ALL THINGS; THAT STRETCHETH FORTH THE HEAVENS ALONE; THAT SPREADETH ABROAD THE EARTH BY MYSELF."

Speaking My Mind

When I was eleven years old, I teamed up with another homeschooled friend to do a creative writing project. The project was to draw a make-believe animal and then write a set of instructions for another student to follow so that she could draw the same picture without having seen the original picture. I loved both writing and making art projects, so I was ready to have fun with this assignment.

I put a lot of effort into my picture, using my ruler and compass. The head of my pretend animal was made by tracing around a Jolly Rancher, so that the head was rectangular with the twisted wrapper sticking out on either side for ears. I could see my friend was working just as diligently on her assignment, though we kept our pictures hidden.

My strong Asperger's traits came to the surface when it was time for us to exchange our sets of instructions and try to draw each other's animals. We were working on opposite ends of the table, and when my friend saw that I was drawing her animal incorrectly, she wanted to explain and show me how to do it. "No, you're not supposed to help me," I objected. "I'm following your directions exactly, but they're not clear enough. I'm just interpreting them differently. That's why we're supposed to practice writing instructions."

So many years later, I can still remember the hurt feelings that showed on my friend's face. I had a definite attitude of having done a better job than she did, and I even commented that my animal was cuter than hers. I can understand now how rude and unkind my comments were, but at the time, what I cared about most was that her drawing turned out looking almost exactly like my original, proving that my instructions had been well-written.

As an Aspie, it was natural for me to act this way, but that didn't make it right. My perfectionism and desire to follow the rules of the assignment to the letter may have helped me get a good grade in this assignment as well as many others. However, I put my friend's feelings at a much lower priority.

I think at that time, I was capable of thinking ahead to how she might feel at being told her project did not turn out as well as mine. But I forgot to think ahead, and just spoke my mind, letting her know that her work did not come up to my perfect standard. I don't know whether I ever apologized to my friend, but I will invite her to read this post, so she will know that I am sorry, and that I learned something from the experience. I learned that pride is not pretty, and although my Asperger's traits may provide an explanation, they are not to be used as an excuse.

"IN THE MOUTH OF THE FOOLISH IS A ROD OF PRIDE: BUT THE LIPS OF THE WISE SHALL PRESERVE THEM."