No Borrowing Without Asking

I've written up some embarrassing Asperger's moments earlier in this blog, but they were from my childhood. I think now's the time to include anecdotes from my college days.

During my first semester in college, I commuted from home, which was hard because I have low stamina and get fatigued quickly. When it came to staying after class time for concerts or play rehearsals, I was aching for a place to rest. I tried to make do by finding a welcome among the ladies who were dorm residents.

One day, the dean of women issued a notice to the commuting students. The letter requested that we not help ourselves to the dorm rooms, citing an instance where a student came back from class and found a commuter student napping in her bed. Put like that, it sounded crazy . . . till I realized I was the student who had borrowed the bed. I did personally know the student whose bed I took a rest in, but my mistake had been in taking another dorm girl's word for it that "she won't mind if you take a nap in her bed." Apparently, she did mind, because after I woke up, thanked her for the use of the bed, and went about my business, she must have reported the incident. Mine was an honest Aspie mistake. Once I knew what the rules were, even though it made it harder on me - still having nowhere to lay my head - I napped in a library chair with a jacket for a pillow from then on.

Another friend of mine handled a similar situation differently. She and I wore the same size clothes, and after lending me an outfit one day, she told me, "Sharon Rose, you can borrow clothes from me any time - whenever you need an outfit to change into and you don't have time to run back home, okay?" I thanked her and tucked that offer away, ready to draw on it at a moment's notice. The moment came a few weeks later, when I decided to stay past suppertime to attend a concert that I had just found out about that day. I knocked on the door of the dormitory, was let in, and although my friend was not there, I helped myself to a dress in her wardrobe. When she came in to the concert and sat next to me, I gave her a happy grin, and said, "Does this dress look familiar? I borrowed it from you, just like you said I could. It's so nice of you to lend it to me!"

She nodded, but the next day, she took me aside privately, and said, "Sharon Rose, I actually felt uncomfortable when you borrowed my dress yesterday, because I didn't even know you were going to wear it. I'd like to lend you clothes, but I just would like you to ask specifically each time."

I apologized and let her know that I had misunderstood and wouldn't do that again - which I didn't. We maintained our friendship over the next three years and grew very close. Meanwhile, the girl whose bed I borrowed, who had reported my mistake, is forgotten and unknown to me at this time. These are examples of how an Aspie either can be gently corrected in a friendly way or can become indignant that her motives are misinterpreted.

I can easily understand now how my actions could have been attributed to my being self-absorbed or self-indulgent. Maybe I was. But I didn't mean to be, and I loved it that the friend whose dress I borrowed gave me a second chance.

You see, I knew the rule, "No borrowing without asking," but according to my literal mind, I had asked in both cases. My first semester in college was when I learned the hard way that I actually had to ask the right person at the right time.

"TAKE HEED TO YOURSELVES: IF THY BROTHER TRESPASS AGAINST THEE, REBUKE HIM; AND IF HE REPENT, FORGIVE HIM."

Educational Conversationalists

It's been on my mind to write a post about the obsessions people with Asperger's traits tend to develop. Of course, some writers on Asperger's syndrome would call these obsessions "strong, narrow interests." That's a very polite way of putting it.

One new acquaintance was describing to me her "strong, narrow interests" in Israel and in politics. She explained how seldom anyone else took an interest in her interests. I could empathize.

"People want you to be passionate, and then when you tell them what you're passionate about, they don't want to hear it," I remarked.

Frankly, I don't give a hoot about ever traveling to Israel or carefully studying and debating political issues. But because I wanted to get to know this new acquaintance, I listened - and listened - and listened. Her enthusiasm was hard to ignore. I'm pretty sure I could learn to enjoy both Israel and politics if I hung out with her often enough.
The odd thing about Aspies is that no matter how quiet and shy we appear on the surface, once we get somebody to give us full and complete attention, we love to talk! And our favorite topics of conversation are, well, our favorite topics of conversation - most decidedly. My favorites are literary characters and real-life characters (also known as my friends). In fact, sometimes I think the literary characters are just as much my friends as my real-life friends. They certainly have been with me much longer!

But there's nothing so absorbing to me as learning from a fellow Aspie about his favorite topics - because boy, can he cover them in detail. I like to refer to my fellow Aspies as educational conversationalists. Most Aspies are born teachers.

I had a favorite professor in college whose passion was literature, same as mine. It always struck me funny to hear other students walk away from his class asking each other what in heaven's name that lecture was all about. That prof had me entranced! Oh, yes, there were rabbit trails - many of them - but he always came back to the point, and I loved every minute of his lectures. The best part was when I'd be giggling away at some obscure allusion he had made that no other student got, or when I'd make a comment that would cause my professor to throw his head back and laugh - while the other students sat and blinked.

I think these passions that we seem unable to free ourselves from must be God-given drives to propel us in the direction God wants us to head in life. Because of my love for the language of English, here I sit, typing madly, and enjoying it . . . knowing that I will not be able to go to sleep tonight unless I share what's on my mind.

So the next time you start up a conversation with someone and that person seems unable to keep away from a certain topic or two, just think! You may have the opportunity to befriend an Aspie who can teach you a thing or three thousand about hockey . . . or skiing . . . or chess . . . or basketball . . . or Jane Austen . . . or computer programming. Hold onto your hat, and keep both ears open!

"AND THE LORD SPAKE UNTO MOSES, SAYING, SEE, I HAVE CALLED BY NAME BEZALEEL . . . AND I HAVE FILLED HIM WITH THE SPIRIT OF GOD, IN WISDOM, AND IN UNDERSTANDING, AND IN KNOWLEDGE, AND IN ALL MANNER OF WORKMANSHIP."