Justice Oriented

I have drawn many of my blog posts from my experiences in elementary school, when my Aspie traits were the strongest. Here is a story from my fourth-grade year, prompted by the following quote. The quote was posted in the Facebook group Asperger's Syndrome ASD by my Facebook friend MJBH, with his comment:

"He or she will not accept a particular school rule if it appears to be illogical, and will pursue a point or argument as a matter of principle. This can lead to a history of significant conflict with teachers and school authorities" (Dr. Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome).

"MJBH: It's not that Aspies are rebellious; it's just that they are attempting to behave or act out behavior that reflects what is logical or makes sense. Aspies, in fact, are very justice oriented."

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher was very strict and very fun. She gave us plenty of movie time and extra recess time as motivation to get our work done quickly. She took us on lots of field trips. She also required us to hide our answers to discourage cheating. And one time I got in big trouble with her. 

It was very unusual for me to get in big trouble, even though I attended a strict, conservative Christian school, where kids got in trouble as a matter of course, for fairly minor infractions. As mentioned in Emotional Meltdowns Part Two, I liked following instructions. Rule-bound behavior is a common trait for Asperger's syndrome. However, knowing the reason for the rule can be essential to the Aspie's obedience to the rule. Since I was an only child, my parents had the available time to explain the reasons behind their directions, and I was typically compliant, even what you might call a people-pleaser.

So when I repeatedly forgot to return my parent's signature on papers that had been sent home from school, I didn't feel that guilty, because it was the result of simple carelessness and not defiance. But it did mean I had to stay in from recess. Another girl who was my classmate had to stay in from recess for the same length of time - and it was pretty long - 15 minutes, if my memory serves me. Our teacher then left the classroom to do an errand, telling the two of us to come out to the playground when the timer dinged.

I knew that recess typically lasted only 20 minutes, so when the timer went off, I looked at my classmate and said, "They'll be back in 5 minutes. We might as well wait here." She agreed, and so we waited and watched the clock. But after 9 minutes had gone by, the room was still empty except for us two. "Maybe we'd better go outside," I said, and again the other student followed my lead.

Just as we were exiting the building, our teacher came striding across the playground and scolded us sharply for not coming out exactly at the time she specified. Then, when we were shepherded back to our classroom, she continued to scold us in front of the rest of our class. The words she used over and over were: "Direct disobedience!"

Frankly, I was dumbfounded, even amused, at my teacher's reaction. Here I had voluntarily extended the length of my own punishment, and I was judged as being defiant to my teacher's explicit directions. 

For years, I wondered what was so wrong about what I did. Just as I was preparing to write this blog, the answer suddenly occurred to me. My teacher needed to know exactly where to find each of the students she was responsible for at any given moment. If she could not rely on us to be where she thought we were, she could get in serious trouble herself for not making sure we were okay. Maybe it took becoming a mom (which happened to me four months ago) for me to finally see my teacher's perspective and realize that her response was not an overreaction after all.

"ABRAHAM OBEYED MY [GOD'S] VOICE, AND KEPT MY CHARGE, MY COMMANDMENTS, MY STATUTES, AND MY LAWS."

Emotional Meltdowns Part Two

The topic of publicly having an emotional meltdown brings in some experiences that happened strictly because I was a missionary kid (M.K.), though others with Asperger's traits may react the same way to experiences that seem terrible to them.

While I was ages 6-9 (and again while I was 16), I was enrolled in a Christian school in Pennsylvania, and my father was raising financial support from Christian churches so that our family would have the funds to return to Japan and continue teaching the Bible to Japanese people. Raising support involved a lot of travel to churches all up and down the east coast of the United States. During the summers, my mom and I went along with my dad. We had many adventures, and made a lot of new friends, whom we promptly said good-bye to in a week or less, moving on to another church for the next Sunday meeting.

Looking back, it surprises me that this incident occurred only twice! I went to Sunday school at a church we were visiting, and between Sunday school and church, I got lost in the shuffle and couldn't find my parents. The first time this happened, the pastor himself found me - a little girl with tears running down her cheeks - and he seated me up on the platform of the church and gave me the job of holding his Bible. When my parents appeared, do you think I jumped up and ran to them? Oh, no. I was doing my job till the pastor came back and claimed his Bible from my lap!

The second time I misplaced my parents at an unfamiliar church, I improved on my social abilities and specifically asked the teacher where I should go when Sunday school was over. She answered distractedly, "Follow Andrea." Andrea had not an inkling that I was sticking to her like glue. She joined her parents and her brother, and - gasp - they all strolled out of the church building and down the sidewalk! I didn't know what was going on, but I didn't think this was the way to wherever my parents were.

As I explained in an earlier post, my feelings again did an Override to my logic. Logic told me it would be a good idea to speak up and get help, but I couldn't imagine what would be the best thing to say. These people were not even aware that I was trailing behind them, and we were getting farther from the church building every minute!

So I began to cry - very quietly, so I wouldn't disturb these people. I didn't want to inconvenience them. After all, I was doing my best to follow the instructions to "follow Andrea" - just like the time I held the pastor's Bible because those were my instructions. I was an A student because I was so good at following instructions, and I was good at following instructions because I was an Aspie. Often described as "rule-bound behavior," this Asperger's trait usually worked in my favor - but not that day!

Eventually, the family turned and saw me and took me to find my parents, who were not even looking for me, but happily teaching a children's church class.

I guess if I had to give my parents advice about what would have helped me during those times, I would say: Please take some time to talk with me about my feelings, giving names to those feelings - upset, worried, nervous, confused. And please teach me how to approach people when they are ignoring me and I need their help. It's not so hard to get help when you have someone's attention, but when they are oblivious to your need, that's when the Aspie is more likely to panic than to keep cool.

"IN GOD I HAVE PUT MY TRUST; I WILL NOT BE AFRAID."