In my first dating relationship, I was taken aback at my boyfriend Scott’s* openness. “Scott is frank and straightforward about everything,” I told my friends. “I am too, and now I’m getting a taste of my own medicine. I’m not sure what to think.”
I had read many times that openness is essential in relationships, but I mistook surface openness for genuine openness. Now that Scott is out of my life, I’ve been struggling to learn what genuine openness is from my experiences with him. Genuine openness means speaking the truth accurately and consistently.
Because Scott was open with me on surface issues, I assumed he would be genuinely open at all times. Surface openness meant that Scott refused to skirt the truth when he thought his opinions or actions would offend me. To start with, Scott answered my questions honestly (even when the answer was none of my business). Once I asked him, “Do you ever gamble?”
“I only gamble with what I can afford to lose,” he answered.
I wanted him to say, “No, I never gamble,” but at the same time I was impressed because he admitted that he did.
Scott also tended to disagree with my opinions, and he told me so. When we watched The Sound of Music, I remarked that I did not like the song “I Must Have Done Something Good.” Scott told me he liked the song and said many people feel the way Maria does when she sings it.
Because Scott was open with me on surface issues, I assumed he would be genuinely open at all times. Surface openness meant that Scott refused to skirt the truth when he thought his opinions or actions would offend me. To start with, Scott answered my questions honestly (even when the answer was none of my business). Once I asked him, “Do you ever gamble?”
“I only gamble with what I can afford to lose,” he answered.
I wanted him to say, “No, I never gamble,” but at the same time I was impressed because he admitted that he did.
Scott also tended to disagree with my opinions, and he told me so. When we watched The Sound of Music, I remarked that I did not like the song “I Must Have Done Something Good.” Scott told me he liked the song and said many people feel the way Maria does when she sings it.
Why was I unhappy with Scott’s forthrightness? The truth always makes the hearer feel good, doesn’t it? No, there is often a price to pay for openness between couples. The price is acceptance of one another as we really are, with all our differences.
When Scott contradicted himself, I began to understand the difference between surface openness and genuine openness. Genuine openness involves accuracy, not merely the truth as the speaker perceives it. Within several days’ time, Scott stated that he’d had girlfriends before “sometimes,” that he’d been a boyfriend before, and that he’d never had a girlfriend before. I confronted him with his inconsistency, and Scott explained, “I forget my girlfriends after they’re gone.”
“So I suppose you’ll forget me after we break up?” I said.
“You’ll be glad I did, because if not, I’d be calling you up after you were married,” Scott replied. Surface openness stated that Scott had no intention of marrying me, while genuine openness was lacking because he was not accurate about his past relationships.
In fact, Scott rarely talked about his past, other than a few incidents from childhood. I asked him why he had so few memories to share. “When I want to forget something and not think about it anymore,” he said, “I imagine the place where it happened and push it further and further away in my mind until it’s engulfed in blackness.”
When Scott contradicted himself, I began to understand the difference between surface openness and genuine openness. Genuine openness involves accuracy, not merely the truth as the speaker perceives it. Within several days’ time, Scott stated that he’d had girlfriends before “sometimes,” that he’d been a boyfriend before, and that he’d never had a girlfriend before. I confronted him with his inconsistency, and Scott explained, “I forget my girlfriends after they’re gone.”
“So I suppose you’ll forget me after we break up?” I said.
“You’ll be glad I did, because if not, I’d be calling you up after you were married,” Scott replied. Surface openness stated that Scott had no intention of marrying me, while genuine openness was lacking because he was not accurate about his past relationships.
In fact, Scott rarely talked about his past, other than a few incidents from childhood. I asked him why he had so few memories to share. “When I want to forget something and not think about it anymore,” he said, “I imagine the place where it happened and push it further and further away in my mind until it’s engulfed in blackness.”
I could not understand why a man would purposely forget an experience that he could learn from, no matter how painful it was. If a man reinvents his past to fit the situation, his girlfriend will know he is not truly open. Systematic forgetfulness conflicts with genuine openness.
A man who is genuinely open must be consistent, even in the words conveying his emotions. Scott confused me with impetuous words which he later took back. How could I know what he really meant? The first time we waded in the ocean, I requested, “Tell me about your family again.” Scott surprised me by saying, “I hate my family. My mom’s favorite son died, and now they all retreat into their own worlds.”
A man who is genuinely open must be consistent, even in the words conveying his emotions. Scott confused me with impetuous words which he later took back. How could I know what he really meant? The first time we waded in the ocean, I requested, “Tell me about your family again.” Scott surprised me by saying, “I hate my family. My mom’s favorite son died, and now they all retreat into their own worlds.”
I couldn’t believe he meant what he said, because I thought he got along well with his family. I knew he was hurting inside, but surely he exaggerated when he said he hated them. The next day, Scott told me, “I don’t really hate my family.” Surface openness revealed that Scott struggled with his family’s grief over his brother’s death, but if he had been genuinely open, he would have said that he still loved them.
I wanted to be Scott’s girlfriend for as long as possible in order to learn from the experience. Though we had many exciting times, eating out, walking on the beach, and going to movies, I value that relationship most for what Scott taught me about openness. True, he appeared to be open at least on the surface, but I found I could not continue dating him when I realized he was not genuinely open.
I wanted to be Scott’s girlfriend for as long as possible in order to learn from the experience. Though we had many exciting times, eating out, walking on the beach, and going to movies, I value that relationship most for what Scott taught me about openness. True, he appeared to be open at least on the surface, but I found I could not continue dating him when I realized he was not genuinely open.
*Scott is not his real name.
"SPEAK YE EVERY MAN THE TRUTH TO HIS NEIGHBOUR."