October 26, 2017
Dear Sarah,
Wow, you make me wonder whether it's time for me to blog again, as a mom this time! I wrote a few posts since having my first baby and expecting my second, but I prayed about what to do with my writing activities at that time, and felt the answer was to simply take a break from writing for others to view. I am enjoying getting back to writing for an audience : YOU! As for my being successful in day-to-day life . . . wow, I think it depends on the day! I am slowly learning to take disappointments in stride, evaluate mistakes I may have made, and thank God for any and all improvements.Lately, I seem to have my craziest Aspie moments in our largest public library, where I want so badly to reach out to other moms and grandmas of preschoolers who are there for the program, yet I find that I'm not the only shy person there! Sometimes it's where I'm talking with an acquaintance and I interrupt myself to wave to my close friend, who is also there, and then I think, I must look so rude and seem so weird. Or I'm following around my toddler, while two moms of two girls about my daughter's age are striking up a conversation, and they're talking so fast, while I'm feeling really left out. Or an acquaintance with a preschooler wants to talk about a tragedy in the news, and first of all, I haven't heard about it, and then, once she tells me, I go completely speechless, wondering if it's an opportunity to witness, but thinking, what relevance does that have to us?Oh, healing . . . Yes, I believe God can heal, but I don't believe He's obligated to heal when we ask him to, or even after years go by, except when He takes us to heaven. I have asked many times for healing from fibromyalgia, and I'm sure that at least during some of those times, my faith has been at its strongest. However, this passage below reminds me that God's miracles are generally rare, and that it doesn't mean He's wrong in withholding a miracle from me. (I'm not sure that was the main point of the passage, in context, but it seems one of the conclusions that can be drawn.)"But I tell you of a truth, many widows were in Israel in the days of Elias, when the heaven was shut up three years and six months, when great famine was throughout all the land; But unto none of them was Elias sent, save unto Sarepta, a city of Sidon, unto a woman that was a widow. And many lepers were in Israel in the time of Eliseus the prophet; and none of them was cleansed, saving Naaman the Syrian" (Luke 4:25-27).
On the other hand, my illnesses could be a lot worse than they are, and I have been able to accomplish so much in spite of them. Your remark that I am blessed to have had much counsel in fact reminds me that it's due to my bipolar disorder that I have seen counselors frequently, and that they have blessed my life, it's true. I've found out the hard way that it is not wise for me to give in to discontentment. That may be why I choose now to pray for my family not to suffer because of my illnesses, rather than that my own suffering be completely alleviated.Even at times when I've ended up in the mental hospital, I have found each time that it is the easiest place of all to shine as a witness for Christ and to extend compassion to the others who are at a low point in their lives as well. So I know that for various reasons, not the least of which is my own need of humility and dependence on God, He has allowed these chronic illnesses, and I don't think prayer for total healing is appropriate for me at this time. I don't mean this as a rebuke to you by any means, and I thank you for being kind to me in your encouragement. If God lays it on your heart to pray for my healing, by all means, please continue. I thank and praise him that the pain and fatigue doesn't keep me in bed ALL the time, though 14 hours in bed per every 24 does seem excessive.Anyway, God has placed the people around me (namely James and my mom and dad) who love me so much that they allow me that time to rest without my kids being left uncared for at times I can't be in charge of them. Those loving, serving people in my life are the "grace that is sufficient" for me.
Yours, Sharon RoseP.S. I don't feel up to describing my different treatments attempted, because the memory of the disappointments is too strong. With diet especially, I am at a loss to figure out whether anything in particular needs to be avoided. I do know that taking a walk every day, stretching occasionally, journaling happy memories, and drinking tea every morning are helpful things. Other than that, keeping stress low seems to be the main factor in my staying "not-so-bad" as opposed to "worse."
"THY MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING. GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS."